I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
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me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
Maybe if y鈥檃ll stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn鈥檛 be so bad
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
Who else does this 馃う馃徑馃槀
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
People ask if I鈥檓 worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don鈥檛 know. Go wash them.
4: Don鈥檛 you want to taste them first?
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.