I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.

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In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?


me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?

therapist: i’m all ears

me: *screaming*


throwin a party tonight

goths $5
furries $5

raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both


I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”

All is not a trick question. Apparently


A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.

What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.


“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool


[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!

me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats


Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling


Me: Forgive me father I have sinned

Priest: Get out of my house

M: But it’s a big sin

P: *sigh* Speak child

M: I broke into your house


How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?

Me looking at your eyebrows