I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
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[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.