I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
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* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
I didn’t come here to be called names
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.