I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
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My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats