I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
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IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba