I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
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Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
[eulogy]
line?
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.