I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
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My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.