I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
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“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
girls literally only want one thing..
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
“OMGJK” -atheists
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
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