I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
You Might Also Like
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Most fashion shows these days…
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.