Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what

One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.

person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer

me *on my deathbed: I doubt it

Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.

[spelling bee]

your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’

“can you use it in a sentence?”

yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’

I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁

HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG

Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?

Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups

Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat

People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk

I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.

And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.

My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.

*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea

I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.

Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel

Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.

marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down

[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone

My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.

Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.

What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?

*visits random websites just for the cookies*

ME: I wasn’t invited to the party

FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic

ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone

Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island

Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack

Anakin: you underestimate my power

Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*

[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury

Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.

It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…

4: can I have a snack?

Me: it’s almost time for dinner.

4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.