I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
You Might Also Like
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
i prefer mine room temperature.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.