I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
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When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.