I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
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Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
Uh oh…
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.