I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
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Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Miscakes
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
Me irl
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*