Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv

Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.

Satan: What’s that?

God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.

Satan: I see. *invents screaming*

God: lol good one!

Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision

Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT

[kitchen]

SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.

my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you

You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.

The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.

Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.

I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.

(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)

Things I learnt from Avatar:

– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.

“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”

“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”

“Perfect.”

i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again

mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon

My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right

“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct

The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.

Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?

No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.

I bet Santa has 3 lists now:

Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.

time traveler: i love your volcano

pompeiian: our what?

time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain

My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?

Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.

[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way

The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault

if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water

“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.

Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here

[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.