I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
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I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
i’m sure it’s fine
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
Skills
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”