I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
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BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
