“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
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JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
#Caturday
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me