I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
You Might Also Like
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.