Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.

Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk

If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.

Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.

Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty

Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.

How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’

ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail

tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”

What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.

Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.

I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in

Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.

me: I always sleep naked

flight attendant: no

[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.

I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.

I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.

*adds salt to resume*

Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.

Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.

I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song

Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal

Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot

“my eye is up here”

-Illuminati pyramid

Saturday

if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo

[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta

Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot

For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.

There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few

Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.

They won’t ask again.

Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.

[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this