I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
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DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*