I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
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Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
(Musicians.)
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”