Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
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Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
I’m a self-made hundredaire
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair