I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
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i did the math
How to make infinite energy.
very niche meme I made
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)