I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
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This is my emotional support chloroform rag
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.