I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
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Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!