I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
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Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
#DesignFail
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
Livid.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
🚲+physics = winner
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’