I’m not wrong
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Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
I hope this email finds you in a well
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
just gave your address to some spiders
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*