@reallifemommy3

I’m not wrong

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@amydillon

My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.

@living_marble

Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.

@Xalqee

“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over

@ThinkingSavage

All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.

@BuckyIsotope

This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people

@nutsaremixed

Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game

@bourgeoisalien

I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display

@robdelaney

The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.

@Thynebear

Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good