Dyslexics are teople poo!
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My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good