I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
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As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
Real House Wines.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.