I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
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Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
FINE, I WON’T.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.