I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
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The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
Teamwork makes the dream work.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.