I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
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My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.