
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.