@AlbertBrooks
@DaddysinCharge Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
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@DaddysinCharge 
@dafloydsta [first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
@FBSisnothere “Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
@TheCiscoKidder You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
@subtweetopath Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
@buitengebieden_ Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
@behindyourback “When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
@Bownuggets I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
@adamgreattweet WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
@redherringbear I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.