I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
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Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
BRO LMFAO
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list