I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
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[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
listen closely
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.