I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
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I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
🤭😂
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”