I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
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At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse