I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
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*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me