I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
You Might Also Like
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.