I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
You Might Also Like
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Had an epiphany today.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*