Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.

Me: Why are you threatening me?

[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied

*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*

Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open

Me: No problem

I should not have taken this before my big rap battle

Did my cat write this

Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.

At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist

Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:

8am: breakfast

8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap

6:30pm: dinner

7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep

YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you

my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry

Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.

“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”

I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.

You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.

You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.

16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.

Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another

If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.

Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.

Five-word horror story:

“I’m going that way too”

do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”

Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.

The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.

Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”

“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem

[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury

5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.

*pushes their faces together*

Me: Did they kiss and make up?

5: No. She headbutted him.

me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap

If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.

You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.