Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Couples Therapy]

HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead

HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26

ME: OMG SEE!

Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?

Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.

Rose: Nice.

Grill: You could have looked around a bit.

The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.

Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.

Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.

Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold

Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.

This kid is a star!

I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.

I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults

Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?

(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this

I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids

*at interview*

Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions

I’m totally onboard with the public outrage. I’ll be watching the Olympic women’s beach volleyball solely to point out hidden satanic messages.

(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law

I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.

Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?

Dj: Yes.

M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.

Orion’s belt? Waist of space!

If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.

CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi

The year is 2491. The machines patrol the dusty ruins looking for the last pockets of human resistance. And they STILL haven’t managed to make a packet of biscuits where the “tear here” is aligned with where you actually have to tear.

At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.

My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again

[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne

Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??

Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*

Im sick of the microsoft authenticator like who would be logging in to do my work? Tf 😭😭😭😭

Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.

The elephant is my spirit animal.

1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms