I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!

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The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.


Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.

One hour later she was dead.

So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.


When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!


I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it


I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed


i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off


Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol


WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.


wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?