I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
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*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Lmfao
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
when mom throws a party…
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.