I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
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They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
me opening up to someone
this is the greatest thing ever
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Natural selection at its finest
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right