I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
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when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
oppen heimer style lol
I just love that new Pope smell.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.