Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
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me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
Start the year as you intend to continue.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
There is no try. There is only give up.
What
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”