i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
You Might Also Like
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.