I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
You Might Also Like
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
The biggest mystery of our time
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.