I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.

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[blind date]

HER: I’m a Nihilist

ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country


Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator


[watching video of an amazing feat]

Age 20: i could do that

Age 30: he’s amazing

Age 40: doesn’t that guy work


We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.


As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.


[skating together on a frozen pond]

Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah


the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog


Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?


Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.

Her: You took a cab?

Me: I’m gonna give it back!