I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
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me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no