@TheToddWilliams [blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
@batkaren I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
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@TheToddWilliams 
@MaraWilson Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
@clichedout [watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
@sonictyrant Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
@jacanamommy We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
@Jandalize As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
@AnkCoupleTO [skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
@prufrockluvsong the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
@Havish_AF Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
@djdarrellripley Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!