I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
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I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework