I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
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everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
🌱🌱🌱
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.