“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Yep.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?