@LostFelicia

I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.

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@meganamram

the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to

@GibJimson

You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.

@EmissaryKerry

[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.

@Mike__Lee

I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.

@BaileyXPaige

[at the gym]

Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”

Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”

@EdgarAllanLo

Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.

@truegritrumble

(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*

@ohheyitskel

I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.