I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
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My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
Day 2 of my diet
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
How do you like your Corgi?
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore